My Clock Was Ticking, I Was Told - A Story of Pain, Survival, and Building a Career and Life on My Terms

I never thought I’d be writing this. But here I am. Because, if I didn’t who would I be?

In 2021, I was diagnosed with cancer. To say that my life fell apart is a gross understatement.

It’s been one of the darkest times of my life. One day, out of nowhere, I found out that I had cancer. The strangest thing is, I wasn’t expecting the diagnosis. In fact, I wasn’t expecting any diagnosis. I didn’t even know I was being tested for cancer. It was not a routine checkup.

Yet, there I was being informed by an unknown caller that my clock was ticking.

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1. A Chance

To understand what truly happened, we need to rewind a couple of weeks from when I found out. For weeks, I had been getting calls from one specific number. Being in cybersecurity, as we usually do, I didn’t pick up. Little did I know, this unknown call from an unknown number would change my life forever.

While I had been getting these calls for weeks, one day, somehow, it dawned upon me, it’s the exact same number that’d been calling almost every second day. So this one time, I caved in. I decided to take the “chance” and pick up the call. On the other end was none other than the Head of Gynaecology’s at one of the biggest hospitals in Norway, my so-called unknown caller.

She broke the news to me that I had cancer. If the tests confirmed what I had been told, I needed to be brought in for further testing so treatment could begin immediately. For a few seconds, I didn't understand. My life shook as everything I knew fell away like a ton of bricks. Suddenly, my entire world came crashing down. My entire life had just slipped away from under my feet. After a few seconds, while I was still trying to process all of this, I fell onto the couch and burst into a loud cry. I must have cried for several minutes. The doctor was extremely kind to let me cry, grieve and process whatever little I could before she started talking about the next steps.

There I was. Hit by a “chance” I took. A chance that seems to have uprooted my life. “How does it go from here…”, I asked myself, barely knowing what was coming. Was this really happening to me?

***

2. My Bet With The Universe

“The year 2021 literally changed my life forever” may just be a gross understatement.

It changed the way I think.

It changed the way I work.

It changed the way I live.

It changed me entirely.

It chipped away all my rough edges. It shaped me into who I’ve become today.

When I first found out, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what hit me. I didn’t know whom to tell. I didn’t know if I should tell my own family.

Why? Because, I simply didn’t have it in me to give my family this terrible news. I simply didn’t have it in me to give my partner this terrible news. I simply didn’t have it in me, and it pained me to give them this pain.

I didn’t fear dying. It’s strange to say that out loud. I feared the pain I’d give to people I love.

As the call with the doctor ended, I was shocked, angry, sad, and extremely confused. All at the same time. I just didn’t know what the heck to do.

So, I made a bet with the universe.

I made a bet that I would only call my sister once and if she didn’t pick up the first time, which is what usually happens due to the nature of her work schedule, different time zones, and all, then I would just let it be. If she didn’t pick up right away, I won’t tell anyone, no one. I don’t know what the heck was I thinking or how long was I planning to avoid telling anyone, but at that point, I just couldn’t think. I don’t really know how I could truly avoid sharing this news with my family, but I hadn’t come that far in my thinking. Every tiny thought or question from that moment felt like a huge decision to make, one that could have an impact of life and death.

So there I was making a bet with the universe. I picked up the phone and called my sister. That day, that time, when I called her, it was the first time ever that she picked up the call. She not only picked up the call, but she also picked up in the first go in the first ring. She didn’t let it ring twice.

Suddenly, I lost the bet to the universe. Suddenly, the universe took away my “silly” excuse and pushed me to share it with her. In hindsight, it was the only right thing to do.

***

3. Our Understanding Beyond Words

I started by saying, “I need to tell you something important...”

Before I could even speak further, she replied, “Please do not say it’s cancer.”

For a moment, I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know why she said that or what made her even think that. We had never talked about cancer before that moment. I could barely say “Yes” and at that moment we both broke into tears.

I have had many failures and successes in my life. But the biggest success one can have is that of true love. True love is when you don’t even need to speak but you understand each other. No pinnacle of life will feel worthy without true love. True love of your community, purpose, family, whoever or whatever non-materialistic that you consider a true part of your journey.

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4. The Inevitable Loss

After we both could catch our breaths again, we talked and decided to wait to tell our parents. I still needed to get more tests done. I was hoping for a false diagnosis. I was hoping that someone could just tell me that “It was all a gross mistake. A big misunderstanding”. Even though I was scared to the core, it gave me relief, even if I could postpone or hopefully delay the news inevitably. But deep down inside, I knew. I knew my clock was ticking.

After almost 2 weeks of further tests and what felt like a lifetime, we found out that the cancer had spread across my uterus entirely. So much so, that for the doctors to save my life, I needed to go through a hysterectomy right away. I was told that I was at risk of losing my life. It may sound like I was given an option, a choice, but I wasn’t. Suddenly, this was the only way to save my life.

Suddenly, I had no choice.

To save my life, I needed to give something up, inevitably.

After the final diagnosis and a treatment plan, my sister and I finally decided to tell our parents. But we agreed, I would only do so when she was physically present at home with my parents since we live oceans apart. When I finally told them, when I finally broke the news that no parents should ever have to hear, these are the exact first words that came out of my father’s mouth:

“I am packing and coming.”

I started crying.

I was filled with love.

But I couldn’t be selfish.

We were still in the middle of the pandemic. I had to tell him not to come. I had to force him not to come. It was risky to travel and even riskier for his health in his age group.

There was no way I would have risked my parents' health.

I couldn’t save my life at the cost of hurting others.

If I did what kind of a daughter would I be?

Within 3 days, I underwent the surgery.

My second chance at life comes at a heavy cost. A cost of an inevitable loss.

Many times in life, we are at such a crossroads. There is a huge gain but that comes at a heavy price. So how do you go from there and move forward?

***

5. Your Scars are Beautiful

Even though I was eventually cured, it took me around:

- 21 days to feel like eating again
- 42 days to feel like talking again
- 150 days to move around and learn to walk again
- 180 days to not question everything and feel grateful again
- 200 days to not doubt everything and start believing in life again
- 221 days to see the good in the world and start believing in myself again
- 293 days to get back on my feet, shift my focus to others and give to the world
- 691 days to finally find the courage to share my story in the hope that I can help one or many

Even though I was eventually cured, it came with long-term consequences. Consequence that I never imagined. It took me one entire year to process, come to terms with the consequences, and define what life meant to me going forward.

While today, I am cancer “free”, it comes with its struggles and learnings.

One day, I looked at my scars in the mirror. They reminded me of my inevitable loss. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I could never bear children. This was my fate. I hated my scars.

It reminded me of my loss. It reminded me of my physical pain. It reminded me of my emotional grieving.

My life was saved, but I didn’t know how to go forward. While I got my life back, I had lost something. Seeing me cry, my partner came to me. As I told him why I was crying, he hugged me, and told me these exact words, that I will never forget.

“These scars are beautiful. Your scars are beautiful. You can worry about what could have been, or you can focus on what still can be.” - My Husband

It was the first time in my life, I truly realized: Scars are beautiful. It was the first time in my life, I truly realized:

When your world comes crashing down, take your time to grieve, but at the end of the day, there are only two ways forward. You either get bitter or you get better.

It's a choice. It's your choice.

But how do you get better? How do you choose to get better? It wasn’t something I could know or fix right away.

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6. Your Choice and Your Path on Your Terms

I saw death right in front of my open eyes. I had to come this close to death,

• To realize what fearlessness meant.

• To go through life in ways I had never imagined.

• To finally dare to live life on my own terms and conditions.

I still remember how after my treatment…

I couldn’t walk for weeks. It was painful. I felt like a child. Learning to walk again. Taking one crappy step at a time. Every step I took, caused me pain physically and emotionally. So far, I’ve been living my life on my own, doing my things, and not needing physical help from anyone else. Suddenly, I had no trial, no escape. I felt imprisoned in my own life.

I still remember how after my treatment…

I couldn’t cry out loud. I couldn’t laugh out loud. It would literally hurt me physically. I couldn’t express my emotions anymore. Any physical gesture would shake my body to the core and cause me deep pain. Until that experience, I never realized, as humans how incomplete we are without our emotions. I had to learn to trust my body again. I had to learn to laugh again. I had to risk laughing again. I had to dare to cry again. I needed to. Why? Being able to express emotions is human. Being able to express emotions is me.

I still remember how after my treatment…

Finally, one day came when, Slowly, I was able to walk again. Slowly, I was able to laugh again. But I still didn’t know how to move forward. I still had to live with the long-term consequence. But I didn’t know how.

These words from my partner kept ringing in my head: “You can worry about what could have been, or you can focus on what still can be.”

“What could still be?” I asked myself.

There is a lot that still could be done, but I needed to believe in it. I needed to choose it. I needed to want it.

As those words kept on ringing, one day, I took out my MAC “Mauve Pink” lipstick and started writing on my mirror. I wrote these exact words on my mirror.

I am enough.

I am fearless.

I am amazing.

The lipstick was consumed entirely.  So, I had to find another one. Since I was not done.I wrote down my own laws of attraction on the mirror. I realized I needed to face myself, as I read those words out loud.

I repeated those words every single day. Once in the morning. Once in the night.

At first, it felt weird. It felt awkward. Those words felt hollow with no meaning. But I continued. Then something happened. It started to sound familiar. It started to feel familiar. It started to make sense. So, I continued. Then one day, as I stepped out of the shower, even though the mirror was foggy, Something miraculous happened, something that I had never imagined.

Not only these words stood out in the steamy room, not only did these words make sense, I finally started to believe in everything I wrote, everything I said out loud, and everything I heard myself say.

I recently met a friend, who went through a challenging situation. She asked me, how did I get through mine. I repeated those words to her.

You are enough.

You are fearless.

You are amazing.

I showed her the picture of my mirror.

With what I wrote on the mirror, I envisioned the kind of person I was going to become.

With what I wrote on the mirror, I paved a path for the kind of person I am today.

With what I wrote on the mirror, I decided the kind of life I would live.

To say it’s been a turbulent time is a gross understatement.

Today, I know I am grateful for challenges.

Today, I know I am ready for anything.

Today, I know I am truly living.

Today, I know I am alive.

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